The way we behave and the things we do in life are really the result of an equation.

That equation is comprised of a number of variables. One variable is our nervous system’s level of sensitivity to the environment. You’ve noticed that babies seem to have a certain unique temperament from birth. Right? This is based on the sensitivity of their nervous system to the environment. One baby may be highly sensitive and reactive and every loud noise sets them off. Another baby may have low sensitivity making them easy going and happy most of the time. These differences in temperament stay with us and become a crucial factor in building our personality. Later on in life, highly reactive people may be more cautious in life. They will break fewer bones and have secure jobs that require great care. Those with low reactivity may need more arousal. They may take more risks because they don’t get as alarmed. They may have to watch themselves because exciting, even, dangerous things may elicit chemicals in their brain that make them feel good. 

Another variable is our set of needs. We all have needs or desires as children. Some needs are influenced by our temperament. Some are created. If something feels really good – like getting attention, being made to feel important, being included, feeling safe, feeling powerful – you may seek those things subconsciously throughout your life. By seeking a particular need, you’ll gravitate to places and people in life that/who might satisfy those needs. If they DON’T satisfy those needs you will be sad, depressed, hurt, frustrated, or angry and act-out accordingly. So our needs DRIVE our behavior, because  they are the basis of emotions. The problem is… most of us are unaware of these undercurrents of emotion when they occur. We react – not knowing why we’re reacting. This is why it’s so important to pause before we react – take a moment ot notice what emotion we’re feeling – and see if we can track down the source of that emotion. Most of the time, emotions are born from some event that occured in childhood or early adolescence.

Another variable in the “behavior” equation is our set of beliefs. We inherit a lot of our beliefs because we need to install an operating system from the environment around us. We’re not born with an operating system. We can’t just be born and an hour later jump up and run away from danger like a gazelle. It takes years to be capable of that, so in order to survive, we start absorbing an operating system from our family or the environment.  That way we install and operating system that will help us survive. But it’s NOT our own operating system. It’s just temporary. A lot of the beliefs in this first operating system are not true. Many of the beliefs we inherit are untrue – an many of the beliefs we create as a child are from a child’s perspective of the world. The beliefs we adding during childhood are created by a child. We don’t understand the world or the motivations of other people around us enough to create accurate beliefs. Now… what happens if we carry these untrue beliefs into adulthood? Things start going wonky.

Our brain is also built to CREATE beliefs from what we see and experience. So we’re adding to and replacing code in our inherited operating system all the time. So, by the time we’re a teenager, we have a lot of beliefs in our operating system that are inaccurate or just straight-up wrong. That’s a problem, because the way we behave is based on that operating system. The strength of our beliefs determine the strength of our emotional reaction. Now, that’s the key. Our emotions make us ACT. Emotions are like gasoline for the engine. The stronger the emotion, the harder we press the gas pedal or brake. That changes our behavior and our behavior determines what we get in life.

As we grow, if we are aware enough to realize these things, we can pull out the beliefs in our operating system that are untrue. That means we won’t be triggered by them emotionally and we’ll stop behaving in ways that don’t work in our environment. But it’s a long process. It takes dedication because it may seem as if there’s no end in sight. On top of this, some people have more false beliefs than others. Not their fault – it’s just a matter of where you landed when you were born.

The more you realize that you are not to blame for your operating system, the faster you can change it. You inherited the majority of beliefs in that system, and you created a bunch more based on that system. Those beliefs are NOT your fault. Faulty beliefs only become your fault when you become AWARE or them. Then you become responsible for changing those faulty beliefs. You can’t be blamed for what you don’t know you’re doing. Some beliefs are great. They seem to be true and work well in the world. Some beliefs are dead wrong and have to be discarded or modified. You can’t navigate through life until it becomes YOUR life.